My memories

by Shikihime

It started on the day of the Rougetsu Kagura. As the Vessel, I put on the mask, and as if being led by it and the music reverberating around me, my body moved. In such an important day for the whole island, I was prepared to do my best, but it seemed like it wasn't necessary to remember anything or to think of anything. There were no steps to follow, I just had to be guided.

In that moment, while the music was affecting all those present, I felt it. My soul and my consciousness, which seemed smaller than before, freed up space within me, and suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. Many sounds that weren't mine went into me, touching my soul, changing it. And then the Rougetsu Kagura was over, but they never left.

After that day, I became sick. There were moments when I wasn't myself, that I forgot myself, and so, it was determined that I was suffering from Moonlight Syndrome. I could see how it made my father despair, how it seemed to have changed something in him. While he had dedicated his whole life to finding a cure so he could make it up to my mother, now he was prepared to do anything so I could be cured. I waited, with You and Ayako, but I knew I could not stay with them for long. So my father built a beautiful cage for me, that way I wouldn't be able to hurt myself or others while he did everything he could to find a cure.

I kept waiting. When it became difficult to remember myself, I put my soul into many vessels, so I could always listen to them and find the right song inside me. As the moon changed, it affected my soul, and the sounds inside me became restless, biting and eating me. But with the me inside the dolls, I was able to remember myself and soothe them.

Just like that, many years passed, and others also came to live in this cage. We were similar but different. Their songs were also disturbed, but there were no other sounds inside them. I was like a house with an open door, and had invited the sounds that no longer had homes into my own. And now the door was closed and they were always within me, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud.

Among the new patients, I felt that one of them could become like me. Misaki was someone that could sense the souls around her and could end up inviting them, just like I had done. I felt protective of her, but that only worsened my worries. Was this how my mother felt when she saw we were the same? We, people that are close to the dead and seem to attract them, just end up bringing misfortune to ourselves and our loved ones.

As I felt my soul breaking and becoming something else, I noticed my effect on others. While before I could not remember myself, now others could not recognize or remember me. In the end, will I be forgotten by everyone? Completely erased both inside me and inside others?

There were times when I couldn't remember myself at all, and when I finally was able to remember, it seemed that many things had changed around me. Even the nurse that had been here left. She had been looking at me like she didn't know who I was, and then like she didn't know who she was. Like she was looking at a mirror that kept rippling, turning her into someone unrecognizable. I could feel her eyes on my face, and then she was gone, even though she was still right in front of me.

It wasn't safe being near me anymore, especially for Misaki, because we were alike, and we could easily resonate. So I gave her a doll and told her to use it to keep "Misaki" safe inside her. But I was also scared. Of being forgotten, of disappearing, of not being myself anymore. So inside the doll, we put both of ourselves. She became "Miya", to always keep both of us together and safe inside her.

Soon the next eclipse came. My song and the sounds inside me became more restless than ever. I could feel that I was going to break and disappear. But again I put on a mask. This Mask was different than the one before. I became nothing, my sound became like a spec of dust, a tiny dot inside myself. Again the music started, and I moved. While I danced, I could feel even more souls coming inside me. The souls kept entering, their sounds loud and erratic, filling me. But what was "me"? Among so many different sounds, my sound had disappeared, maybe even becoming something else. And then all the sounds inside me were too much to be contained. I felt myself break, even more thoroughly than before, as if I was being ripped apart. After that there was nothing.

I wasn't alive, but I still lived. The souls inside me were quiet, just like my own. And I stayed like that until one day a sound began inside me once again. That sound resonated with all the other souls in me, causing the sound to spill out of my body.

It was me, but it wasn't "me". And that sound made all the sounds around it resonate with it. All sounds were becoming the same, all sounds should become the same. The sound blooming out of me caused many other sounds to bloom, and it was okay like this. It was better like this. All sounds should bloom, so I went everywhere, searching the sounds that were different, and turning them into the same sound. The island became a garden full of blossoming flowers, and I was blooming more beautifully than anyone.

When the eclipse came again, I went in search of the moon. Up there I could hear the music again. This time the whole world would become one. But a different sound appeared again, and it should bloom like all the others. While trying to make it bloom, I could feel the sounds inside me getting quieter, as if their volume was being pulled out from inside me.

For a few moments, everything became quiet, but then I heard and felt another sound. It enveloped all the sounds inside me, making them return to what they were before, and when once again that Mask touched my face, those souls finally left. There was only "me" inside me again. Before leaving, I was able to remember. I was able to be "me" again.

"Ah... so this is what my song was like"